Yet again in another plane. On my left I have my best friend, Elina the sleeping beauty. We’ve had such an amazing, crazy week. We had a brownie (okay and a couple of drinks) yesterday and we just kept going wow. This is it. This is our life. Crazy.
I’ve been over this a hundred times. How I just can’t get it into my head that this actually is my life, it’s real and it’s right now. I always thought happiness was a state of mind you went your whole life dreaming about, and if you were lucky, you’d catch it for just a second. In a way I was really wrong. Happiness is indescribable. It’s huge but tiny, it tickles, and it’s in balance but totally out of control. It excites you, makes you want that next drink. But it also calms you down. I’ve been a lot of places, at a lot of events and I’ve had adventures begin and end and begin again. And I always feel this anxiety for each new beginning and each end. I’m scared for everything to change, for the next chapter to be harder and more sad and confusing. And it usually is. But for every plane, train, bus I step on to, the anxiety takes up a little less space and the happiness a little more.
So yesterday Elina and I cheered with tequila shots to a life so crazy and scary and freaky and beautiful that it made us cry. It’s all so big. No matter what I read or hear or see, I never really get the picture of just how big it is.
I recently turned 17. Seventeen. That’s what the songs are about. Only 17. Pah.
Even if this plane came crashing down before I got a chance to publish this text, I’d know I’d lived. It feels. It hurts and burns and itches and tickles and scratches and it makes you all bubbly and dizzy and I can admit that every single thing I do is scary and I panic and then I laugh it off because it’s my fucking LIFE. I have everything, EVERYTHING I could possibly dream of and I usually don’t realise it because of the fluffy mess around just that sentence. It’s probably too good to be true.
I’ve had a great week. I might not be as relaxed as I hoped to be, but I do have some energy to take care of things at home with new inspiration. And I’m pretty sure all four of these girls can agree on the following. We’ve seen beautiful gardens, picturesque towns, we’ve swam, we’ve fallen, some in love and some in stairs, we’ve laughed and we’ve cried and we’ve got some really good pictures and some really bad ones, and we’ve had sand everywhere and some of us still do (so happy my hair is semi-short), we’ve had a lot of drinks and a lot of ice cream and we’ve let the breeze blow us away time after time. And for once, there’s somebody waiting at the airport. Blessed.