Throw my hands up in the air

Some thoughts on being social, being lonely and being alone.

I’m a social person. My Mom is not a particularly social person. She likes to read and have her peace and she always talks about needing some alone-time. So she raised me to think that a healthy lifestyle was when you had a few hours of me-time everyday. And I did, I even scheduled it. Most of my family work that way, they all need the me-time.

But as I grew older (basically from 13 to 14) I realised with the lifestyle I had, finding me-time would be impossible so I just skipped it (or well, thinking about it). Instead, I ended up feeling lonely all the time, since I’ve belonged to so many groups of all kinds that I never actually felt like I fit in and was part of a group. I remember rushing between meetings a late december evening in the snowstorm back in 2013, and just stopping in the middle of the street and asking myself What the fuck I was doing, always running to the next meeting alone when all the others went out for a snack and a chat.

So there I was, cursing the “me-time” that only felt like loneliness. I started trying super hard to maintain my friendships in fear of them falling apart since I had so little in common with my real, close friends and pretty much no one who did what I did. I’m still on that track in a way, as soon as I sit down in some public transport vehicle I haul up my phone and start asking my friends how they are and what they’re up to, just to show people that I do wonder and I do care, only the next time I can see you is in October 2016. Not really, I try to make room for my friends. And since I still get the lonely feeling sometimes, I don’t really schedule me-time, as I’m afraid it’ll turn out to be loneliness-time.

Don’t get me wrong here. I love being independant and doing things on my own, I do need some privacy that I know of (for example, if I have a full businessday I can take up to 10 minutes in the toilet of just thinking, drinking some water and being anti-social). But I feel like the time I spend traveling each day, or the time waiting on bus stops and in lines, shopping for groceries or doing household chores are supposed to be enough of me-time. Which usually works, I almost get my social-quote full and I almost get my me-quote in a school + meetings day with 2 hours of busrides and 25 minutes of laundry. But lately, I’ve felt like my social-quote is FULL after a day at work and some meetings or hangout with friends & family. And I keep looking forward to watching a serie alone in the dark of my room before going to sleep. And I almost forget texting all the friends to ask how they are (except for Elina perhaps, because she asks me too all the time). So today when I woke up, I didn’t think about anyone or anything but what I wanted to do for 5 hours (not true, I read e-mails) and it was totally normal and natural. I thought “I have time to have a coffee or visit someone’s school!” But I honestly didn’t feel like getting out of the sofa and getting dressed yet. So for 5 hours, I became what I feared; a person who rather sit at home and watch Netflix on a sunny day off than meeting people and working. And it was totally awesome and I can’t wait to do it again in like 2 years!


PS. If you love Netflix, don’t get this wrong. I don’t judge in any way. I just thought that it never could work for me.

PPS. So happy all of you are liking and reading my posts about nothing, everyhting and something(s) in between!

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