I can’t look at this the same

So for a while I’ve been feeling very rootless, lost, and not all that happy with big parts of my reality. And turns out, even the most satisfying parts aren’t the most reliable. I’ll always be welcome in my hometown Porvoo, and I will probably always have work and a place to live there. But no matter how much I try to punch that into this brain of mine, I can’t help but feel anxious every time my bus is heading that direction.

And in a way school’s the same. I’m welcome to the lectures, even expected to be there and fulfill the curriculum. I’ll have a place to go every day for the next 18 months. But now matter how hard I try to convince myself that that’s a good thing, I can’t stop the feeling of being trapped as soon as the revolving door separates me from the outer world.

So when this reality of mine happened to hit me in the face a couple of days ago, it hurt so much harder than I was prepared for.

Back in the years around 2011 when a very abstract brain-tumour that I’ve later defined as depression made my existence a living hell, I had these certain very concrete bad habits that fucked up my living. Some pretty sick thoughts and constantly bitten, bleeding lips, among other things. In September, I started seeing some of them coming back, and I didn’t have the energy to deal with it because of everything else that was going on.

Now it’s 2 months later, and oh don’t I regret pushing those thoughts and feelings away. I had an easy time distracting myself with all those things I enjoy most in life (work, travel, spending time with amazing people). But I should have known myself well enough to know that that would come right back and bite me in the ass. I’m afraid to try new music. Something is very wrong.

It’s so different this time. I’m having all these mood-swings-ish, and I have let my feelings and reactions be seen by the people that are closest to me. That’s a tricky question. Ever since I started trying to talk about how I’ve been feeling earlier, people have told me that I should have opened up way earlier and that that would have helped me. So now, I’m trying to talk to everyone around me very openly in a half-preventive way. And to be honest, I really don’t believe in this asking others for help-thing. I see them hurting when they don’t know what to do and to say and I keep hurting them in my moments of darkness, which then again makes me sit here with tears in my eyes asking them for forgiveness as soon as I’ve calmed down.

But the truth is, I couldn’t stand loosing a single one of my close ones, especially not now. And then there it comes, what on earth is then the right answer? Hoping for the best, keep behaving like I feel and just wish they have the strength to deal with all of it? Or silently try to deal with it on my own and hope our friendship survives frozen until I’m somewhat alright again? What about the day when both of us are having a bad day?

It’s a never-ending line of questions. And it’s hurting my eyes and heart to know that I am somewhat in control of the situation (since I know what’s going on) and then still so out of control (if I’m talking to someone about how I feel and I get upset, I have absolutely no filter at all). I really, really wouldn’t mind skipping this stage and the next and go back/forth to the place where I can build up my life by doing things that I enjoy and being somewhat independent again. I really wouldn’t mind that.

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