I used to daydream a lot. I used to wish those dreams would continue when I fell asleep. Those dreams saved my life. Some of them where about big career moves, mingling in awesome events with a glass of champagne in my hand and hugging important people and actually knowing what I was doing. In some, I planned what my apartment would look like and how I would dress and what kind of person I would be. I dreamt about knowing lots of people and being one of those people that others find inspiring. Sometimes I thought about what kind of friends I would have and what we would do. Working, road-tripping, hanging out, laughing, singing and talking for hours. Awesome people that would care for me and treat me as on in the gang without me having to try and pretend all the time. I dreamt about being secure enough to trust myself and others around me, and I dreamt about being able to stand alone but also stand as a team with those special people I dreamt I’d one day have in my life.
When I was 13, I used to tell myself that in 5-6 years, you can start achieving all of that.
Oh if someone could have told me that it wouldn’t last that long.
Never could I have imagined how hard it would be to get there. How much it was going to hurt, how terrifying it was going to be and how tired and fed-up I was going to feel sometimes. And never ever, could I have imagined how much better it was going to feel when it actually paid off.
You know when you describe to yourself what kind of people you’d want to be surrounded with, and you come up with all sorts of characteristics you value. And then you meet those people for real and there’s so much more than those few characteristics. With every single one there comes a story, a lot of issues, a lot of impressing things and a lot of embarrassing things. And the beautiful thing is, that you get to deal with all of it, and you stop seeing the things you once found valuable and you start to just see them as the people they are. And having those personalities, with all their faults and all their amazing sides, with bad days and good days and laughs and cries, is the greatest thing you could ever wish for. Because it stop being about what you want to surround yourself with, and becomes who you want to surround yourself with. And that is the reason I am sitting in this car, after another one of those weekends you never forget, listening to some music I don’t really care for, sung by people I care a lot for, just smiling like a complete idiot. It’s not what I wished for. It’s so much better.